I was in the mood to clean today. One of those rare occasions when I actually do, and I randomly came across my old yearbooks. Of course I immediately grabbed the one that I designed, as the standing senior editor-in-chief at the time. I must admit, looking back on all of the pictures of me, I was a much more confident person. I knew who I was, and I was proud to be her. I was outrageous, loud, obnoxious at times, smart, a little punk-rock-grunge stylish. But my senior year, I couldn't have been a happier person. I was alone with no attachments, and I fell into who I was, who I was meant to be. I know this is a bit broad, however, if you've ever hit one of those peaks, you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Three years later, here I sit. More confused, less confident, unsure of who I am going to be and where I'm going. But I can tell you one thing I've learned. Every time that people get into a relationship, something happens to them. Minus all the drama and feelings that people go through, a part of themselves change when they are with someone. They sort of morph to be more like the other, both parties do this of course. And when you break up, a piece of you goes with them. You lose that part of yourself, and its incredibly painstaking to try to rebuild it, since you cannot even remember, or necessarily put your finger on whats missing.
Looking at this one picture in the yearbook, I had on a pair of bleached-out-ripped-at-the-knees jeans, a green "motion city soundtrack" tshirt, black converses, a green cuff, and green eyeshadow. My hair was pulled back.
Ironically, I still have and know where all of these items are. They are a little worn, and don't fit as well as they did three years ago, but the point is that I still have these items. I still wear them, but the person under them is different. In the picture I am on the back of my old friend, Micah, and I am fake-punching him in the head. It's a fun picture I must admit. And the feeling of utter connectedness came back to me, as I looked at this girl in the picture. I miss her. And then I realized what part of me was taken by my ex. I can't exacly name it, but the closest I can come is the "swagger" or "confidence" I had. I may act like I am confident now, and I can even picture myself before I dated said ex-boyfriend and I had that swagger that girls who know who they are have. So that's what he took. My confidence. And I'm sorry, but that shit is really hard to get back.
With my friends, I know that I have a certain amount of confidence, but in the back of my mind I'm constantly asking myself what the others are thinking about me. This is sad I know. But being in a relationship for a year where you constantly had to question if you were enough to make a boy settle down for you, and in the end you're lied to and cheated on, you start to question yourself and your worth. I've written several blogs on this very subject. But tonight I realized as much as I may speak or write about it, I still am missing that high-school confidence I had.
However, the bright side to this, I am alone now, and I can spend the next few months tryting to rebuild this. I can focus completely on myself, and that's always a good thing. I know where to start, because before aforementioned photograph, I was in a similar relationship perdicament. Realizing this kind of made me happy today, for lack of better terms. And to quote Atlas Shrugged, "Don't let them take it," this is what I'm trying to get across, even to myself.
This quote also ties into a lot of new topics I have found on the theory of "Going Galt" against the Obama administration. I remember reading Atlas Shrugged and feeling a sense of empowerment as I followed Dagny on her long, strenuous campaign for holding up her (and Ayn Rand's) belief in capitalist America. With Obama, many bloggers and reporters are announcing their fear for socialism with Obama's plans. First with government madated health care (look how well Canada turned out with that), to the Big Three bailouts (yay for me losing my job!), we must ask ourselves, how far is he going to take this. I admit, I voted for Obama in hopes that he could lead this country with the new vision of a younger generation. He had confidence. However, with the way things are and now that GM is "Government Motors" (haha I saw that in an email) I think that it is the most prestine time that people like Dagny, Hank, and John need to rise up as did Ford, Rockefeller, and Morgan in the late 19th century. I mean, they bailed out the government, not the goverenment bailing out its people when they are in debt themselves. Something is not right with this system today, and the sooner people realize that it's not the government's responsibility to bail out companies, but instead should let them fall, for the theories of economics proves that the economy will right itself on its own, but it has to hit bottom first. If the government steps in to our free market (more that it already has) then this theory will not work and we may face a stagnant economy where everything stays as it is now, and I for one do not want this to be the world that I bring my children into. So, thus the theory, some wealthy, intelligent, fearless individuals need to step up, and soon. Otherwise, this ominous feeling that the country has will become a reality as we move slowly toward socialism.
I have just realized that I began this blog talking about my lack of confidence while looking at my old yearbook and have ended it with a heated rant on the importance of capitalism. Weird.
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