Beauty is truth, truth beauty

I had this feeling today. Quite contrary to the well known, "I feel like I might die today" feeling. It's simply one of those days where it's cool, but not too chilly, where the wind is just right, and the sun warms that nape of my neck. The kind of day where I choose to walk on the grass and get strange looks because I'm not traveling on the well paved concrete. Where I talk to a random friend about how much I want to eat at R.P's and my mom calls me 2 hours later and asks me to go, but not before we stop to buy me a new desk. The kind where all your problems are figuratively and actually quite literally half a world away. These days, I can stand outside on the grass, feel the sun and wind, and as I feel fully awake I can look up and thank God that I'm alive. This is the kind of day where I feel like me, where I feel right in my own skin, and my always present anxiety blows away in the wind, if only for a minute.
I was watching One Tree Hill tonight, and I wasn't much looking forward to it, since the last show was pretty awful. However, a key phrase quoted from the Dawson character said, "Sometimes, the beauty is in the attempt." After I reveled in the mere depths of this simple statement, I entered again into this serene state of calmness. For I could finally put an answer as to why people do such awful things. The answer, well for me, is quite simple; it doesn’t matter, the answer is never relevant. We need to stop asking ourselves why this happened, why this ultimate bad ending shook my life so profoundly. This is a clear and universal statement, people do bad things. End of story. However, we cannot fixate ourselves on them. Because the frank truth is, I tried. This statement, something our parents taught us since we could breathe, is that we only need to try and they will be proud of us even if we fail. However, as adults we sometimes lose sight of that simple truth. We always want to succeed and as adults, especially Americans, if we fail, we bottle it up and let our self-conscience tell us that we're not good enough. In actuality, all we need to say to ourselves is that we did our best, and sometimes the universe just doesn't work out in our favor, and that’s okay. The greatness is, that we put forth effort, gave it our all, and just came up a little short. The beauty here, is not in the end result, as those are often fleeting and trivial, and really only add up to us wanting more, but the true beauty, is in the virtue and greatness and humility and absolute human spirit we get in touch with as we drive forward towards something we desire. We change ourselves to become better in hopes of deserving something great. But that something great is hardly ever tangible, rather it is the qualities, characteristics, morals, and virtues we as humans develop on our way to perfecting ourselves for something. That is the true beauty.
And as I sit here admiring all of the beauty around me, both outdoors and in, I am humbly reminded of the strength and blind courage that I have acquired through this fight. I was vulnerable, finally allowing myself to be so, allowing my emotions to be controlled by another. I was courageous as I attempted to find something that everyone longs for, and giving it my whole heart, full well knowing that I could never obtain anothers. And I acquired, yet again, another form of arms. I learned how to look tragedy straight in the face and take the high road because I knew that fixing myself was much more important than sticking around to try to fix other people. Because at the end of the day, I can look in the mirror, or stand silently starring up, and not feel guilty. I can feel comfortable in my own skin because I know that I have done nothing wrong, and I like who I am because of it. I am moving forward to somewhere, as I have this beautiful unscathed future in front of me and there sure as hell is no reason to look back.
This is what everyone has taught me, from my mom, grandma, dad, sister, teachers, friends, aristotle, hesse, plath, sartre, shakespeare, emerson, thoreau, and every other great influential person in my life. And as for now, I’m happily typing at my desk in my little corner of the world, knowing full well that I have the strength and elegance to stand on my own two feet and face adversity