Hello darkness, my old friend.

And as I close yet again another chapter of my transitory existence, I cannot help but to relate back to my last blog where I spoke of timing, and how everything in life has their moment, and we are all virtually incapable of changing a thing. We have to be ready for it, love, hate, appreciation, respect, relationships, etc. In our personhood, we have to be complete enough to appreciate that moment, in order to understand it and its meaning of place in the wide spectrum we call our lives. However, what I wasn't sure of at the time, that these moments and experiences, like ourselves, are transitory, fleeting if you will. We have a good run, and then it's over.
Through this process, we find ourselves asking "why?" "why me?" "why did this have to end with me?" "was I not good enough, or was I simply just not enough? People, specifically women are haunted by these questions every single day of their lives. It's the promise of an end that follows us and creates this irrevocable sense of doom. We fight it, and most of us are pretty good by now of talking ourselves out of it. But I'll tell you want, once you get that feeling, that feeling that something is not right, something is wrong, something will change very suddenly, we're usually right. Whether us women are more in tune with the fourth-dimension of existence that links us to the future, past, and present, I have no idea. Women's intuition I assume. But I felt it, and I was right. The universe shifted and encased me in the feeling, I was so certain, and as the universe would have it, I found exactly what I was looking for. A reason for this feeling, and the reason for yet another end.

But back to the why questions. While reading a book my history teacher suggested, slaughterhouse-five, I came across the answer that I've never heard before, a bit like my favorite "the river is everywhere" praised quotation, but yet something entirely different,

"Why me?"
"That is a very Earthling question to ask Mr. Pilgrim. Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is. Have you ever seen bugs trapped in amber?"
"Yes." Billy, in fact, had a paperweight in his office which was a blob of polished amber with three ladybugs embedded in it.
"Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is no why."

And also, "That's one thing Earthlings might learn to do, if they tried hard enough: Ignore the awful times, and concentrate on the good ones."

Both of these I found very profound. To find something like that in a book about aliens instead of a book say on existentialism is one of those rare but amazing surprises in life.

However, back to my rant. So we spend all of our time waiting for these good moments, and then we ask ourselves why did it have to end, like that? well its very simple; experience. It's all part of this spinning at the speed of light existence that we all share and are all stuck in these amber filled moments. So right now, I'm stuck. Stuck in this bleak feeling and outlook once again of the respectability and goodness of the human race. A bit over-dramatic I know, but we all question the masses once in a while. But with this you fall back on the ones who have always loved you, for you. And who always will. You become sanctioned in the welcoming back of friends you had temporarily left behind in your series of moments elsewhere. And their welcoming is always so pleasant, like a warm blanket placed over your frozen body.
And so I drive down the black roads again, but with a different feeling. There is no destination which leaves the road pleasing to my senses, it is dark, and as the days shorten, the darkness grows. I find myself inside again, in the quite internal sense of the word. It's quite nice actually, to see the word through my own eyes again, just mine this time. And as I count down the days of the next six months, a promise of a better tomorrow shines it's light again. However, for now my gut aches with the realization of how I am too feeble to change the things I wish too, and the immense impact other peoples choices have on my being. The smartest person I've ever met once told me, "Alicia, never let someone affect your life more than you affect theirs." And this reigns true, however, with a certain amount of emotion that I divulge onto my subjects, it becomes harder and harder to do this. I've seen where a broken person leads, I've seen the numb and jaded and apathic souls that roam this world with no hope or sense of right and wrong and I refuse to become one of them. I let people affect me, because I try to affect them. To me, there is nothing greater in this world than to be loved and to love. The first one is just a little harder to come by, and I've honestly only met one person who understands the true meaning of an unguarded soul and heart, of which they've shared with me. So to those people who are distrusting to the world and all it has to offer, I hope you read this and realize that yes, even the optimistic have their days of self-loathing and jadedness just like you, but the difference is, it was worth it. It still is, because there is simply nothing else. And at the end of the day, once you realize that, "everything was beautiful, and nothing hurt."