I am still not particularly inspired to write anything earth-shattering, however, some ideas have come to mind. Shortly after my last blog entry, the one where I was so exuberantly happy with life and the choices that I had made, the universe decided to rear its ugly head, because everyone knows that you can maybe have 3 months of goodness before the universe decides to screw you over. For instance, I lost my job. And although at the time it seemed catastrophic because, lets face it, I am not one to embrace change, it seems now more as a blessing. I needed to move and I could no do that with loyalty to my friends/family/coworkers. And although I only moved a few feet away and am now a security guard, I feel as though I have a normal "student-job" and can move around as I see fit. I get to be capricious now, and that's a good type of change.
I've just recently noticed something about myself. People change drastically when I am emotionally attached. Yes, I know this sounds trite. On the contrary, I've never really looked into the depths of this distinction between perspectives. For instance, there was this person who I began to feel threatened by. I kept going over in my head how they were everything I'm not. I even attempted to act and personify what I thought would be this genre of person while in the public sphere. It did feel good to change it up a bit, I admit, and since when is it a crime to be envious of someone else because they have something that you lack? Anyway, the constant comparisons in my mind to this person were making me doubt my own individual qualities so much so that the debate occurred in my head as to which of us was better. Woah. Stop right there you say? Yes, and I did. Because if you know me, you know that I innately put myself on a pretty high pedestal, because really, if you don't put yourself on one, then who will? So this debate was very tiresome and shook the very foundation of the person I've been trying to become. So today, I will be explicit and not give away details to this particular person of whom I'm describing, but let's just say I saw them in a new light. While going over the facts and actions again I found something different. I was no longer attached to the emotional threat that this person initially posed and that in itself made me care a whole lot less about this competition. I became almost apathetic when thinking or looking at these people, and all of a sudden, the luster was gone. This person seriously has nothing that I lack, and although I feel a little ashamed for wasting all this time in scruples because of this person and questioning my own qualities, it's just made me realize even more that with time and a little more distance, you can actually train your emotional attachments. Almost like learning to raise an eyebrow, or an ear, or some other body part that seems to have a mind of its own and is completely separate from your mind's control. My impressions of quite a few people have changed drastically as well in the last few weeks. Once you become less dependent on the company of others, you are able to step outside the normal drama existence, and as you step outside your own ego, you are able to see people as they really are. No longer do you see people how you want to, or how you should because of a loyalty to a friend, or see them tainted with the past injuries they may have caused you.
This leads into another idea that I have been playing around with. I was watching a show on HBO called "In Treatment" and although I don't have the actual quote the story goes like this. One psychologist was analyzing another, and as the male was revealing memories of his father not being present in his life, he was astonished to find that a childhood friend recalls his memories differently, where the father was there at pivotal moments. His therapist said that his mind actually blocked out the memories of his father. Here is the belief. When you store away memories in your unconscious or the Id (according to Freud), the memories are altered by the Id as a form of self-preservation and self-gratification. Therefore, the theory goes that, as these memories are just brewing around in the back of your mind, when you attempt to retrieve one of them, other sections of your unconscious (I.e. The ego and the super-ego) alter these memories further to fit with your current outlook, perspective, or different situation in life as opposed to how you were when these memories occurred. So, in short, say you have a boyfriend, and it's really great for awhile. You do all sorts of fun things together, and then one day, he does something that is so awful. You break up, and because your memories cannot conflict with each other, your happy memories seem to fade away or you think about them and you say to yourself, “well, I guess I really wasn't that happy after all.” That sort of thing. Like the disappearing dad because his father did awful things later that made the child lose sight (literally) of who his dad really was.
Anyway, the revelation here is that although we may think we have people “down” or you meet those obnoxious people who say, “I can read people well, I can know from the minute I meet them whether they are a good person or not,” well they are all full of crap. Because the truth is, our minds are a very tricky yet delicate thing. But also, these perspectives can be controlled based on your willingness to step back, set emotions aside, and really take a good look at not only the words that these people spout, but how their actions reflect them.
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