Saturday, July 31, 2010

On the way home, this car hears my confessions. I think tonight I'll take the long way.

I haven't written anything of substance lately. From movies, to my secret love of Sylvia, these things seem trivial in light of what is really happening in my life. So I figured I'd write it. Because, let's face it, writing is my therapy.

If you know me at all, you probably know that my father is ill and my mother is well, without job. I will not go into detail on these since, for their own privacy, I feel it inappropriate. All I can say is that I keep repeating the phrase my mom says, "God wouldn't give you more than you can handle." Yeah, venture to the nearest psyc ward. I'm not sure if I believe that, if there is anything or anyone up there at all. My prayers have never been answered, I've never been heard. I stick to concrete things, like what I'm going to do tomorrow or what I'm going to eat. Anything above that is simply too much for my fragile little head to wrap around. I'll be sitting somewhere, just staring and minutes will just go by and I have no motivation to move. People will start talking to me and all I can think about is when they are going to stop. I've noticed something lately, that 90% of what people have to say is just pure complaining. [yes, this is included right now] About the most meaningless things, too. Like about what someone (who I absolutely do not know) said to them about someone else, or how they're not sure if they really like their boyfriend, or how someone pissed them off at work. People, WE DO NOT CARE. Most of us are in our own heads, either waiting for our turn to talk, or your turn to shut up. This may be harsh, but I think that people need a reality check. If you have nothing intelligent or meaningful to say, keep it to yourself. Silence is golden people.

And speaking of silence. Why is everyone afraid to sit with on another without talking. We're not going to explode if you sit in silence for 10 minutes, please stop contriving things to talk about. And speaking of, when is the last time you've actually heard silence? Think about it. What's going on your room right now? A radio, perhaps, maybe even a fan or two. Shut it down, shut it down and just enjoy the fact that your ears are not straining. Honestly, lately I feel like my ears are just tired and have begun muffling everything. My brain is being protected from imploding. I don't know, maybe I just feel with the mood that I'm in lately that anything I do or say is just fake because in all honesty, all I want to do is sit in my room. Literally, just sit and not do anything. Not even think. Just sit and try to concentrate on not hating everything and feeling like I might suck the happiness out of anyone I'm around.

However, I have started writing Chapter 2 of the book. And I'm only a page in, but it helps. I've also started reading "Eat, Pray, Love." I was given it a few years back from my mom as a Christmas gift, but thought it looked silly. Yet, I felt the strangest urge to pick it up today.

I equally have the strangest urge that I want a relationship. I know, for me, weird. I mean, right now I could really use someone to get me out of everything, my head included, and take me back to reality. To first dates, runs in the park, and the laughter that you only have when you first get to know someone. Obviously, I'm a hot mess right now, but someday. I have faith (in something) that someone will come along and all of this misery and pondering and hopelessness will not all be in vain, but will simply be a character building exercise so that when I actually do meet Mr. Right, I won't be a hot mess all the time, locked up in my room suffering from Female Hysteria yelling at my yellow wallpaper (if you get that reference, I commend you). As for now, I will sit listening to Alexi Murdoch, while laying on my floor awaiting winter. Things always happen in winter, good things. I don't know why. But I just love winter. Its cold, and quiet. Desolate. Maybe it mirrors me. Now that's really depressing. But when it's all hot and sunny, I just feel.... I don't know, uncomfortable I guess would be the word. I want cold. Snow, white, sterile, jackets and hoodies, jeans, converse, my leather jacket.. oh my leather jacket I miss you. And to sleep, to finally get a good night's rest covered and burrito-ed in all of my blankets trying to keep warm. Oh, winter, how I cannot wait.

Breathe, just breathe. It's really all that I can do right now when I feel as though the entire world is pulling me apart. I've lost some of myself. And I want it back. I want to be selfish and not devote all my time to making others happy. None of them seem to give a damn about me, or how I'm feeling. They're all caught up in their own dilemmas, nobody would even notice if I left.