Sunday, October 11, 2009

A [love] story that ended

I had to post something today. I just had to. This is of no other importance as to just be a hiccup in time, so I can look back in 5 years and be thankful that I am not there. I wrote a journal entry awhile back, actually to be exact it was on May 5, 2005. (Yes, 2005) And something I wrote that day is still burned into my memory. Here is what I wrote:

after awhile down the road,
with a million memories,
a hundred fights,
a lot of tears,
and one simple concept on our minds;
to be together,
we sometimes lose sight of where it all began.
somewhere, beneath time, we were souly 2 people who were so in love we didn't care if the world was falling around us....
we were blank slates, and couldn't wait to fill them up.
we were young, and so hopeful of the future.
Nothing could stand in our way.

The sense of nostalgia is so overwhelming I could vomit. I want to go back there. I would be different, I would act different, I would say all the right things. This is impossible, I know. My heart beats in a rhythm I can't yet identify with. This is new, scary. The unknown. There is piece missing. A big piece. It's the kind of puzzle that would have determined the rest of your life, or so you thought. The piece is gone and it's taking all my effort to shift everything else into place.
It's been a few days now and I can breathe again without hesitation. I know this is overly dramatic, but it's a feeling, and you can't deny that.
I'm a mystery/adventure reader and there's a common knowledge that at the end of all of the turmoil and frustration, order will be restored. Well, I want my 30-minute sitcom resolution. I'm waiting for it. I'm hoping for it. I'd like to wake up now, please.
It's a strange feeling when everything that you thought you knew turns upside down. You start to question who you are, and more importantly, who you were. We constantly build up these egos of ourselves suggesting that who we are now directly reflects who we were then, what our past experiences taught us and made us. But I look back now, and everything that I thought made me, me.... well a large part anyway..... is no longer there any more, or perhaps never was. How can someone be such a profound influence in you life and in the blink of an eye disappear? How can you possibly look forward to the future when you have nothing waiting for you?
I can still see the tall gangly boy walking through the line of the Crow's Nest asking to borrow some money. I can still see the equally tall and gangly girl, dressed in her starchy cheerleading uniform, look up with a grin and say, "Sure, you can borrow mine." I can feel the nerves wash over her as she left that night smiling to herself and telling her bestfriend cherie, "He's the one." I can feel the giddiness and excitment when he sat next to her on the bus, when they shared their first cd, when he wrote her that note, when he asked to share her locker, when they went to prom, when he played and she sang, when she bought him a wallet and he gave her a ring, and when he changed everything by loving her.
It's the end of a love story, but then again, did it ever really begin?

The last time she'll talk to him was when he said, "I've never met anyone like her, and that's why I married her."